Preschoolers and Alzheimer's Patients

When my parents lived in a locked memory care unit, time seemed to pass slowly. Many hours were spent sitting, watching television.

But whenever children entered the unit to visit, residents lit up! My own grandchildren brightened my parent's mood. Dad, who had not played with me much when I was a child, interacted with his great grandchildren, even though he didn't realize they were a part of his family tree.

I was touched by this video which shows preschoolers interacting with memory care patients.

thealzheimerssite.com

Wouldn't it be nice if nursing homes shared walls with preschools, or preschools partnered with senior care facilities for weekly field trips?

Sneaking a Peek

Seeing a vivid red cardinal against the winter white or the summer green always makes my heart flutter. If we look closely, we often see the muted female nearby the protective male.

I've heard many say that the sight or song of a bird brings the brush of the spirit of a deceased loved one. I believe this to be true.

If you look closely in the upper right of this picture, a female cardinal can be spotted through the window. I believe it's my mom's spirit glimpsing in at her great-grandbabies. Maybe Dad will sneak a peek next.

Mom's Apple Pie

My mother wrote this letter to my dad in 1942, a year before their marriage, while they were separated during WWII.

My Dearest Ed,

Our love has grown during our separation. Our life together is my constant thought.  

Your faith is so strong and sure. You are such an optimist about the war ending soon. 

You are so good to me––so considerate, kind, thoughtful. It just seems as if I could thoroughly enjoy cooking, washing, mending, cleaning, baking and doing all the other things a devoted wife does for a prince of a man like you.

I love you, yours forever,

Ibby

Mom's words at the end of the letter sound contrary to a woman's role in today's marriages, but she kept up her end of the bargain, and did enjoy cooking and baking; washing, mending, and cleaning, not as much.

During most of the 37 years of my own marriage, I haven't enjoyed cooking and baking. Truth be told, during the years I worked full time and my children were involved in after school commitments they consumed their share of fish sticks, hotdogs, and our family favorite––peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

In the two years since my retirement, my kitchen and I have become better friends. My favorite home-made comfort food is Mom's apple pie. If you have five apples, you can make pie. All of the other ingredients are in your pantry.

Filling:

• Peel and slice five apples (any kind, mixed varieties make the best pie)

• Add 1/2 cup sugar to apples

• Add 2 tablespoons flour to apples

• Sprinkle with cinnamon if desired.

Stir this mixture and let rest while you make crust. 

Crust:
In a small bowl combine,

• One cup plus two tablespoons flour

• 1/2 teaspoon salt

• 1/3 cup oil (this can be any kind––corn, canola, even olive oil)

• Two tablespoons water

Stir the above ingredients together with a fork until they're crumbly. Form the mixture into a ball with your hands. Lay a piece of waxed paper on your counter and flatten the crust ball on the paper. Lay another piece of waxed paper on top of the flattened crust ball. Use a rolling pin to flatten the crust ball (still squashed between the two pieces of waxed paper) to the approximate dimensions of pie pan. Peel off top piece of paper, and (here's the tricky part) turn the crust over––like you're flipping it upside down, into the pie pan with remaining bottom piece of waxed paper now on top. Now that your crust is in the pie pan, with the bottom piece of waxed paper now on the top, carefully peel off the last piece of waxed paper.

Pour your delicious, juicy filling into the pie crust. Dot with butter.

Repeat crust procedure for the top crust. Pinch edges. Sprinkle the top with a teaspoon of sugar and cut vents in the top of crust.

Bake at 350 degrees for one hour. Then enjoy!! (It's best if it's eaten while still warm enough to melt a scoop of vanilla ice cream.)

When I put my pies together I always think about the "yummy" it will elicit from my recipients, while wondering just how many pies my mom made in her 66 year marriage. I don't think I can match her number. She had a head start.

Baking a pie is an act of love. Thanks Mom.

The Cabin

My son, daughter, and nephew, their spouses, young children, and babies spent time with us at a family cabin in the woods last weekend. Fifteen people in all, ranging from the itty bitty (size of two sacks of sugar) to the small (weighing about as much as a bag of topsoil) to the full-grown crammed in one small place.

Before family arrived, my hubby and I worked in a flurry, fixing food, mowing the yard, doing laundry, and vacuuming mouse droppings and dead bugs out of the corners.

It occurred to me that my parents, must have scurried around like this thirty to forty years ago, anticipating the visits my sister and I and our families made to the cabin. I remember meals of sweet corn, green beans and tomatoes from the garden, along with burgers and hotdogs sizzling over the fire pit. After somemores, we'd load sticky sweaty kids with dirty feet into the car to sleep on the way home. As we'd back out of the drive, Mom and Dad would lean together, her head nestled into his shoulder, waving goodbye.

I felt the warmth of Mom and Dad's spirits hovering as their great grandchildren created a hullabaloo at the cabin. Adults heaped love on the new little ones they'd not yet met. Babies crawled, babies wailed, toddlers and preschoolers pretended to fix things with a toy tool kit, imagining they camped in tents under the dinner table, all while blowing bubbles and having tea parties.


As my family packed sleepy kids into the cars, while waving goodbye, I spotted a brilliant red male and muted female cardinal flitting around the yard. I tried to catch them on camera, but they were too shy to be photographed, instead I whispered, Thanks, Mom and Dad, for teaching us that nothing is more important than time for family.

From the Ancients to the Saplings

I've been absent from Alzheimer's Daughter for a few months, but my memories of my parents have only been set aside, as though I stood at my kitchen sink and placed the parcel of them on the windowsill beside their picture.

Today is the second anniversary of my dad's death. Mom died three years ago. Three days before Dad died, he spoke two words to me, and repeated them three times. With his eyes squinted because his cheeks were raised in a smile, he reached his shaking hands to mine and rasped, "Thank you, thank you, thank you." Dad was a gracious man and anyone who knew him well would say this phrase was just his mantra. But I think back to his dying words, wondering how much cognizance he had as he spoke.

I'd like to think Dad knew me at that moment. I'm humbled that he thanked me for being with him, holding his calloused, feverish hands. More so, I need to believe his last words were meant to be the balm to heal me from the guilt of moving he and Mom from their happy lives in their hometown, thanking me for making tough decisions to preserve their safety.

Sadness and joy intersect throughout life like a scenic, rambling country road, crossing back and forth past clear streams and lush forests, underpassed and overpassed by the racing rage of the interstate. When we take time for the country road we see what once were mighty trees lying on the floor of the woods. These gnarled trees shaded the younger from countless July sunny days and the August droughts, while swaying and swirling, taking the brunt of brutality of spring tornados and winter blizzards. Eventually the ancients toppled, sheered quickly from storm trauma, or fallen slowly from decay. Either way their demise created fertile soil for the saplings. Aren't our lives as families like this? My mom and dad's trees have fallen. Now I am the tall tree, the oldest generation of my bloodline. I carry the DNA of my parents, passing it on to their grandchildren, the younger trees. I ponder the potential in the lives of the tiny ones, their nine great grandchildren, the saplings.

I realize Alzheimer's can and likely will happen to me if I live long enough. I don't need genetic testing to validate. If Alzheimer's does lower its hazy veil, I pray I can retain a loving spirit and graciousness even if I lose my mind. I give permission to my children to do what they must to keep me safe. Do what is hard without guilt. I give permission to tell the beautiful, ugly truth of Alzheimer's. Share the story. Give and seek help from others on their own paths through the deep woods of Alzheimer's.

Happy Anniversary, Ed and Ibby

Today would have been my parents' 69th wedding anniversary. I envision them reunited and restored, celebrating together in heaven––Ed's arm protectively around Ibby's shoulders, her head snuggled into the crook of his neck.

This is one of my favorite pictures of them. I believe it must have been taken when they were dating. When I cleaned out their house, I found the photo stashed in the front of a ripped cardboard box, with a gold foil paper-covered lid, which might have once held Hallmark cards. Inside that box, I found my dad's WWII dog tags and Mom and Dad's early love letters from 1941 to 1944. I felt like a spy reading something so private between my parents. In fact, my sister and I nearly threw the envelopes away without ever opening, thinking we were invading their privacy by reading. But, as I started reading, I couldn't stop. The terms of endearment used at that time reveal much about the way lovers talked to one another. Some of the mundane events spoken of remind me a little of today's texting. In a few, their desire and longing for one another is palpable, yet written discretely.

Each chapter of Alzheimer's Daughter begins with one of their letters, showing Ed and Ibby's love written in their own words––the beginning of the devotion which allowed them to hold tight until life's end, even as Alzheimer's devoured and ravaged.

I'm going to begin sharing the letters as blog posts. Today's is Ibby's first letter to Ed. I almost didn't recognize the writer as my mother, because every letter is formed so perfectly and stiffly. It's obvious she's nervous to write it. As a little background, they attended high school together, but never dated until post graduation. This letter was written shortly after Ed left for the Army.

November 11, 1941

Dear Ed,

I don’t know why––but it seems so much easier for me to tell you in writing how much you mean to me. You know there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you. In these uncertain times everyone needs someone to live for, to dream about––without this we’re lost.

Ed, I love you with all my heart. I’d consider it an honor if you’d allow me to wait for you until the war is over.

Why couldn’t I have realized, and told you about my feelings in person, before you left for the Army? I am so very sure now.

Lovingly,

Ibby 

 This letter was the beginning of a relationship lasting 66 years. Happy Anniversary, Mom and Dad!

The Joy We Experience Gives Us Strength to Endure Sadness

Excerpt from Chapter Fourteen of Alzheimer's Daughter

With wind chills well below freezing, I picked my sister up at the airport late on the evening of December 21, 2008. We'd both just finished our last day of teaching before Christmas break, and Annette had flown immediately to Ohio. While driving to my house, we discussed how we should tell our parents about their move tomorrow to The Lodge, a locked dementia unit. Annette and I knew no other course of action existed. I'd been told Ed and Ibby were too confused to remain at their assisted living facility at Lakeview Reserve. This move would be different than any other. There would be no opportunity for our parents to give input, argue or disagree. Our primary goal was to relocate them lovingly, calmly, efficiently, and without upset. We decided we’d play it by ear the next morning.

I felt sick and threw up during the night. Ann tossed and turned. The wind howled, blizzard-like. The freezing torrent outside matched our internal turmoil. We woke bleary-eyed, but resolute––knowing we had no choice but to do what we dreaded.

By morning the wind had died down slightly and was replaced by a heavy freezing rain. During our drive to Lakeview Reserve, we lamented the regression in Ed and Ibby since we moved them out of their home two years earlier. At that time they had the cognitive ability of about fifth graders. They had basic, but rapidly dwindling understanding of dates, time, and money.  The four of us had been able to discuss the move from their home, and although unhappy about the situation, Mom and Dad had some ability to understand how their lives were changing.

Six months ago, at the time we moved them from independent living to assisted living, they had about as much understanding of life as my third grade students. They didn’t have full cognizance of time, dates, or money, but they could speak and still had limited control of their emotional reactions.

But now, six short months later, the disease had reverted them to the mentality of about a first grader. Annette and I were making this decision and completing this move for them, just as a parent would make choices for the welfare of a six or seven year old child. These eighty-eight year old first graders would not be able to control their emotional reaction. We just hoped and prayed they could retain some of the happiness which had sustained them all of their lives, even as they approached life in a locked Alzheimer’s unit.

As Annette and I arrived at Lakeview Reserve around 9:00 a.m. on the morning of December 22^nd, we got out of my car and gulped some deep winter breaths. Our hearts drummed as the elevator took us to their apartment on the second floor. We tapped on the door. Mom answered and welcomed us in. It seemed odd that Mom and Dad were not surprised to see my sister from Florida. I think they were already losing the awareness of her geographic distance. Maybe in their confused minds, my sister and I blended together and they couldn’t distinguish one of us from the other.  We faked happy conversation, discussing the weather and the Christmas season, for about 30 minutes.

Then Annette and I made eye contact, stood, and rummaged through Mom and Dad’s closet for their winter coats. We brought the coats to the couch where they were sitting, asked them to stand, and started bundling them––saying only that we were taking them to live somewhere where they’d receive more care. They did not speak, but looked at us with puzzled questions on their faces, with the innocence of children––lambs led to slaughter––no mention of non-compliance.

On that bitter cold, sloppy morning, with wind chills hovering around freezing, Mom and Dad huddled in their winter coats, as we loaded them along with their walkers into my Jeep and drove them across town.

The staff greeted them as we walked into The Lodge. Their new room was warm and cozy, despite the ugly weather outside. We took their coats off and settled Dad into a plaid chair and Mom into a flowered chair, visiting with them for about 20 minutes. Mom commented, “This place reminds me of the farm.” I think the small delicate print on the wallpaper must have conjured up thoughts from her youth.

Aides came to walk them to lunch and gave Ann and me a signal to leave, nodding, indicating, “Don’t worry, everything will be all right.” We excused ourselves, assuring Mom and Dad we’d return with their things soon, knowing we had much work to do back at Lakeview Reserve.

Aides released us through the locked doors and Annette and I held hands, leaning on each other, choking back tears as we escaped to freedom through the front doors, scurrying to my Jeep.

We returned to Lakeview Reserve and began the whirlwind of completely dismantling Mom and Dad’s two bedroom apartment in two days. Annette and I divided and conquered, she on one end of the apartment, I on the other. We pitched, sorted, and bagged anything salvageable. Annette had contacted Salvation Army about a week earlier and they’d agreed to bring a truck on Christmas Eve day––in only two days.

A couple of times each day we’d rush back to The Lodge to check on Mom and Dad, taking small amounts of favorite, comfortable clothes, a few pairs of shoes, and basic necessities to their new room at The Lodge. Now, at the end of our parents’ lives, their existence was reduced to a couple of armloads of clothes and toiletries.            

We’d ask the staff how they were acclimating. Each time we arrived, for two straight days, we found them sitting bundled in their winter coats. We had to keep asking them to take their coats off. Aides told us Mom and Dad continued to put their coats back on saying, “We don’t live here. We’re leaving soon.” 

As we worked back at Lakeview Reserve, we found some sacred treasures. One unbelievable find was a beautifully handwritten note Mom had composed ten years earlier for her four grandchildren, intending it to be given to them when they became adults. My hands shook and I gasped as I silently read:

January 20, 1998

Dear Grandchildren,

I felt it necessary to write a letter of appreciation to you for your wonderful gifts at Christmas. Best, first, and most important is your gift of love. It was great that we could all go to candlelight communion on Christmas Eve. It meant so much to Grandpa and me.

            There are no more wonderful children and grandchildren than we have. You have grown up to be special in every way.

            It’s as though one day God sat beside his gigantic computer and said I will choose four babies who will grow up to be fine young people. I will send a boy and a girl to both of your daughters and their husbands. They will be taught to honor My name and they will respect all human life. They will know that the person they choose for their life’s partner will help raise their children, and they will choose wisely. Marriage is a sacred commitment.

Always seek to do good, and you will be richly rewarded just by knowing in your own soul that you did what was right.

Our hope and prayer for each of you is that you will be as happy as Grandpa and me.

Much Love and Many Prayers Always,

Grandma and Grandpa

            After I read the last words, I called Annette from the kitchen saying, “You’re not going to believe what I’ve found.” She read the note, equally amazed at its beauty. We couldn’t help but contrast Mom’s coherence just a few years ago, to how lost she was now. We felt touched by this reminder of who Mom really was––rather than the lost soul she’d become.

Annette and I were physically and emotionally spent as we left Lakeview Reserve on Christmas Eve. Annette’s family was flying in that night and our nearby relatives were coming on Christmas Day for dinner.

 Annette and I stopped at the grocery late on Christmas Eve, intending to buy a special ham for the next day. As we approached the meat section––the hams were sold out! We were spent, dirty, and exhausted––and now we were beaten by a ham. Standing at the meat case, shaking our heads, working on overload, we could have cried or laughed. Had I been alone, I would have cried––but Annette and I looked at each other and burst out laughing. Oh well, we bought something else––I don’t even remember what––and still had plenty of food.

It was a Christmas when being together was much more important than an elaborate dinner. Our family gathered together around Mom’s table for dinner, as Ann and I teetered on the edge of emotion because of the painful realization that Mom and Dad were locked away.

Sadness had snowballed over the past weeks, but consecutively, I was preparing for joy. Our son’s wedding was to take place on New Years Eve. The girl I’d first met on the weekend of our daughter’s wedding, two and a half years before, was to become my daughter-in-law. My son had proposed one year before on New Year’s Eve of 2007. The couple had been planning all year for a wedding on New Years Eve 2008, in less than one week.

The reality that Mom and Dad were in no shape to attend felt bittersweet. Our son was the youngest grandchild­­––the last to be married. Mom and Dad had attended the other weddings of their grandchildren, but with the location being three hours away, and their move just days ago, there was no way Ed and Ibby could be present.

I left my sadness and my parents locked behind the metal security doors of the dementia unit as our family traveled to the wedding. The events of that day rejuvenated my sapped spirit. My hands trembled as I tied the ivory sash on my daughter-in-law’s wedding dress, knowing that she and my son had an enduring, deep love, which could last well past six decades, like Ed and Ibby’s. After the wedding ceremony, we brought in the New Year by celebrating new love and a new marriage.

A picture of my son wearing goofy 2009 eye-glasses, and his wife wearing a ‘Happy New Year’ crown, tooting a noise maker, with the crowd circling around tossing confetti and streamers, made me realize––life goes on. Generations birth generations. The old raise the young. The young are packed with not only the chromosomes, but the spirits of those who came before. It gave me peace to know that my parents were in attendance through all of us.

Since Mom and Dad couldn’t attend the wedding, the bride and groom devised a plan to bring part of the wedding to them. Our pastor agreed to have our son and his wife repeat their vows in our home church. So, two days after their wedding, the newlyweds dressed again as bride and groom and drove three hours north, to say their vows in our home church with Mom and Dad present. The sanctuary was sunlit on what could have been a very gloomy January 3, 2009. Only thirteen of us were in attendance. 

In addition to the new couple’s wedding vows, our pastor crafted a service celebrating marriage and family by acknowledging Ed and Ibby’s sixty-fifth wedding anniversary––which would be in just two weeks––and gave a blessing to new life, through the upcoming birth of my niece and her husband’s first child due in April (my parents’ second great-grandchild).

This service provided an emotional outlet for feelings we’d all squelched. Liquid emotion ran down every cheek. We sobbed––the groom included. Throughout the service Mom and Dad seemed happy and content. I’m not sure how much of the service they understood. I’m not sure they knew their grandchildren, but they did understand their own marriage was being celebrated. I believe they felt our gratitude for the faith they’d given our family. Many pictures were taken, but the most important was of the bride and groom with their grandparents.

 Thoughts about the ways families grow and change with intense happiness and deep sadness floated through all our minds. On that day, we pondered birth, life, and the end of life.

We shed many tears during that holiday season––tears of sadness, pain, loss, and joy. A dear friend reminded me, we don’t have the ability to schedule our times of deep sadness separately from our times of great joy, nor should we. These powerful moments weave together to form the people we become. We can’t separate these positive and negative events into distinct timeframes––we must fully embrace each emotion. It may be the joy we allow ourselves to experience that gives us the strength to endure the sadness.