Meet Florrie Munat, author of Be Brave: A Wife’s Journey Through Caregiving

Reposted with permission from AlzAuthors.com

Love Remains

by Florrie Munat

“Are you going to write about this?” Chuck asked.

I stopped sorting the pile of laundry that a nursing home aide had just left on his bed and turned to look at my husband. Had we not been married for thirty-six years, I might not have known what he was talking about. But in addition to our long marriage, for the last two years I’d been supplying him with words he could no longer remember. So it took me only a few moments to figure out exactly what he meant.

He was referring to the soul-shattering changes that followed his stroke and Lewy body dementia diagnosis. Those changes had ended the chapter of our marriage when we lived together in equal partnership under one roof, and had begun the current chapter in which Chuck was a nursing home resident and I was his daily visitor. He was asking if I was going to write about those changes.

Back when I worked as a librarian and writer, and Chuck taught high school English and then edited a national classroom newspaper, our married life included some major changes (a cross-country move from Connecticut to Washington) as well as some tragedies (the death of his ex-wife, which led to my adopting his three young children).

But those changes seemed simple compared to this one because I felt alone now. I had become the sole repository of many of our once-shared memories, which left me with a profound sense of loss.

By asking this question, Chuck was giving me permission to document and reflect not only on the cataclysmic events of the past two years, but also on however many years lay ahead of us. His question: “Are you going to write about this?” was also a request. If he’d been able to frame it differently, Chuck might have said, “It’s up to you to tell our story now because you’re the only one who can. And others may be helped by knowing what happened to us.”

Four more years passed before we had to say our final goodbyes, and during that time he continued to remind me, “Are you going to write about this?”

His question planted the seed that grew into my memoir, Be Brave: A Wife’s Journey Through Caregiving. He even gave me the title on the day he decided to stop eating and drinking and told me to “be brave.”

With the exception of one chapter about our family’s celebration of the Irish New Year shortly after Chuck’s dementia diagnosis, I wrote the first draft of Be Brave after Chuck died in 2009. Then, with the assistance of an insightful developmental editor and a talented book designer, I spent three years rewriting that draft—and in December 2017, Be Brave was finally published. Kirkus Reviewschose it as one of its Top Indie Books of 2017, calling it “a beautiful, richly panoramic book that should reassure caregivers and delight memoir readers.”

While I worked on Be Brave, I was processing my grief by writing and rewriting our story until I found some meaning in those six nursing home years by placing them in the context of our forty-year marriage. This is not to say I discovered a reason why our lives played out the way they did. That remains an unknowable mystery. And if I could have an intact, healthy Chuck back right now, I’d do it in a heartbeat.

But by writing our story, I did find some consolation embedded in our suffering. And that is that no matter how difficult life became during the caregiving years, our love for one another was never in doubt or in danger. In fact, had we not lived through those last six years, we would not have known the depth and magnitude of our love.

Like all good teachers, Chuck asked questions; he didn’t provide the answers. He wanted me to figure out why “writing about this” would be a good idea. I think he knew his question would lead me to the understanding that even after much is taken, much abides. Now his illness is gone. But our love remains.

 

Florrie Munat is the author of Be Brave: A Wife’s Journey Through Caregiving (2017), a memoir focusing on the years she was a caregiver for her husband Chuck who suffered from Lewy body dementia. Florrie has published several children’s books, articles, stories, and over 150 young adult book reviews. She’s worked as a reference librarian, English teacher, and university press worker. She lives near Seattle, Washington, where she records audiobooks for the Washington Talking Book & Braille Library, and is writing a YA novel and a memoir about grieving. Learn more about Florrie and Be Brave at www.florriemunat.com.

Links to Florrie’s Social Media:

Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/FlorrieMunat

Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/author.florrie.munat

Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/fmunat/

Amazon: Be Brave: A Wife’s Journey Through Caregiving

Meet Gincy Heins, Editor of Before the Diagnosis

Reposted with permission from AlzAuthors.com

By Gincy Heins

As I was texting a friend who would be meeting my family for the first time, I realized she would never know so many aspects of my husband, and I started to cry.

She would never know the person who talked easily and could captivate people with his stories about working at Disneyland. She would never know this man who could repair anything that needed fixing in our house and was called by other people to answer their home repair questions. Instead, she would see my husband as a rather quiet person who didn’t have a lot of confidence in his abilities and often couldn’t make a decision about the simplest things.

Wiping my tears, I thought of the many incredible people I now know who had Alzheimer’s or another type of dementia. I got a glimpse of who they were through stories their spouses told, and I wanted other people to see how amazing all these people were. Whether they were amazing because they were highly respected in their career or they lovingly raised their family, I felt their stories should be told.

I emailed everyone I knew whose loved one had any type of dementia and told them I had an idea for a book sharing stories about who our loved ones were before they had a dementia diagnosis. I reached out through social media and I asked Alzheimer’s Orange County to help me spread the word. When being filmed for a MyAlzhemer’s video I invited the producer to share a story. I reached out to as many people as I could.

I had no idea if anyone would respond positively, or at all. I hoped for ten stories and was thrilled when I received 36 contributions! This was so much more than I dreamed of receiving!

I enlisted two friends to help with the editing. Together we read through each contribution many times and edited for clarity, all the while trying to keep each person’s story in their voice. All authors approved the final version of their story.

Finding the perfect publishing option was a challenge, but I knew we would find the best way to publish this important work. Most publishers never responded. One was very interested in the concept, but didn’t want to deal with a book involving 36 authors. Self-publishing had too many considerations. A friend came to the rescue and handled that for me. Whew!

On March 12, 2018, Before the Diagnosis: Stories of Life and Love Before Dementia was published on lulu.com (and is now available there as well as from Amazon and Barnes & Noble). This anthology of 36 stories has been well-received and shows that people are not forgotten or unimportant because of their diagnosis.

As of the end of December, over 230 copies of the book in print and digital formats have been sold. Each of the 36 authors who participated in this book were given the option of donating their share of the earnings or retaining them. I am thrilled that over 90% of the revenue is being donated to one of four nonprofit organizations: Alzheimer’s Orange County, Alzheimer’s Association, Lewy Body Dementia Association and Alzheimer’s Research and Prevention Foundation.

Purchasing this book gives back to organizations that help us on this journey, benefitting all of us.

About Gincy

Gincy Heins is the creator and editor of Before the Diagnosis: Stories of Life and Love Before Dementia and one of the co-authors of the 365 Caregiving Tips: Practical Tips from Everyday Caregivers series of books.

She teaches classes for older adults, is a Senior Commissioner for Cypress, CA, speaks at conferences and on panel discussions, and volunteers at the public library and with Alzheimer’s Orange County. She and her husband are the proud parents of one grown son.

Find Gincy on:

Instagram: @gincyheins

Twitter: @GincyHeins

Facebook: @G-j Heins

Amazon: Link to https://amazon.com

Meet Richard Creighton, blogger of “Living With Alzheimer’s”

Reposted with permission from AlzAuthors.com

By Richard Creighton

Why would a 78-year-old grandfather who doesn’t like to write become a blogger? The answer lies in my personal experience before my wife Kate was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in 2011.

We played a major role in caring for our parents. There was a lot to learn. I felt we knew far too little about our parents’ experiences before our involvement in their lives. Kate and I were happy to have cared for them, but we wanted to make life easier for our own children. That meant keeping them knowledgeable about our lives. That, in turn, led me to start a journal the day of Kate’s diagnosis. This was a way to document our experiences for future reference.

After a year or two, I began to think that my journal might be of interest to others, especially those who are living with Alzheimer’s themselves. It was too much for a book, and I was continuing to make regular entries. A blog seemed like the way to go.

There are three things about our story that make it a little different from others. First, it is both an account of our post-diagnosis experiences, as well as a “real-time” account of what is happening every day. Second, ours is a story of optimism and joy. No couple escapes the challenges of dementia and the sadness that comes with it, but we have been able to live happily throughout our journey. Third, it is not a place to look for advice. I believe there are many other sources for that. This is simply our story. It tells what it’s been like for us to live with Alzheimer’s.

We’ve maintained an active lifestyle throughout our journey. Most of that has involved our everyday activities here in Knoxville. We attend most of the theatrical productions at three of our local theaters. In addition, we attend a variety of musical events that include opera, jazz, and Broadway. We have traveled a good bit over the course of our marriage. Since Kate’s diagnosis, we’ve enjoyed an African safari and trips to Machu Picchu, the Galapagos, and New Zealand. Our last and final international trip was to Switzerland in 2015, where we both paraglided off the mountain top overlooking Interlaken.

About a year after her diagnosis, we started eating out for all our meals except breakfast. For us, that has proven to be one of the best decisions I’ve made. The meals themselves have been secondary. The important thing is that it has helped to minimize stress and social isolation. It wouldn’t be for everyone, but it works for us.

We’ve been very fortunate. We continue to enjoy life and each other even though Kate’s memory is virtually gone. It is only now that we are reaching the hardest part of our journey. Our experiences may not be representative of others, but I am sure that almost any primary care partner will recognize the issues we have faced. If you get a chance, drop by sometime at http://livingwithalzheimers.com.

About the Author

Richard Creighton is a former college professor and business owner. He and his wife, Kate, met in college and have been married 55 years. They have a daughter and a son and five grandchildren.

Caregiving has been a central part of their lives since the Fall of 1989 when Kate’s father had a stroke. Three of their parents were cared for and died at home, his father in the hospital. Kate’s mother lived in their home for almost 5 ½ years with 24/7 care provided through an agency. Through those experiences Richard learned much about the health issues, living arrangements, and personal care for people with dementia.

Kate was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s two years before his dad died. He says that his experiences with their parents has helped him to be a better primary care partner for Kate. He is guided by his belief that there is no greater privilege than to walk with someone you love through the last chapters of her life.

Blog: http://livingwithalzheimers.com

Twitter: @LivingWthAlz

Meet Susan Cushman, author of Tangles and Plaques

Reposted with permission by AlzAuthors.com

“The upside of Alzheimer’s; new mother.” (Smith’s Six-Word Memoirs)

My mother, Effie Johnson, was second generation Alzheimer’s. Her mother, Emma Sue (for whom I was named) died from Alzheimer’s when she was 87 years old in 1986, in the same nursing home in Jackson, Mississippi where my mother would spend the final eight years of her life. I remember watching my mother care for “Mamaw” and wondering what our future might bring. Twenty years later, in 2006, I moved Mother into assisted living. My father had died of cancer in 1998, leaving Mother alone. After eight years of watching her gradual decline and taking on more of her day-to-day responsibilities, especially her finances, I offered first to move her in with us—which she declined—and second to move her to Memphis to an assisted living home. She begged me to let her stay in Jackson, which I did. This meant I would spend the next ten years making the 400-mile round trip to participate in her caregiving, although she did have help, first in assisted living, and finally in a nursing home. I never regretted leaving her in Jackson, where friends from her church would visit her, as well as friends of mine whose parents were in the same nursing home. In Memphis, she wouldn’t have known anyone but my husband and me.

Up to this point Mother’s story doesn’t sound very different than any story of a daughter dealing with an aging parent. But what’s different here is that the tangles and plaques that destroyed Mother’s brain weren’t only in her brain, but also in our relationship. Mother had been verbally and emotionally abusive to me for most of my life. Her abuse was the catalyst for many of my mental health issues, especially eating disorders, depression, and addiction. Thankfully I am healing from most of those disorders today, at age 67. And the silver lining behind Mother’s Alzheimer’s is that at some point the disease took away the part of her memory that was abusive. She forgot how to judge and criticize, and became very loving in the final stages of the disease. I had these words published in Smith’s Six Word Memoirs during that time: “The upside of Alzheimer’s; new mother.”

During the years that I was making those trips to Jackson to visit Mother—first weekly, then every other week, and in the final years, monthly—I was also starting a late-life career as a writer. I was publishing essays in various journals and anthologies, and working on a novel. In 2007 I started a blog. For a number of years the blog followed themes: “Mental Health Monday,” “Writing on Wednesday,” and “Faith on Friday.” I wrote about everything from sexual abuse and eating disorders to spirituality, art, and writing. And yes, about my mother’s Alzheimer’s and our relationship. In fact, I published 60 posts about mother between 2008 and 2016, the year she died. I received a lot of positive feedback on the blog, and one reader suggested that I publish the posts about my mother as a book.

Tangles and Plaques: A Mother and Daughter Face Alzheimer’s is ultimately a love letter to my mother. It’s about forgiveness—which I was able to give before she forgot who I was, thankfully. Of course it contains sad stories about difficult struggles, but it’s also full of humor and grace. Mother died in May of 2016. No more tangles and plaques. For her.

* * *

Susan Cushman is not only an accomplished writer, but she tackles a brutal topic with candor and honesty. Madness awaits us all. I pray I can confront it with equal faith and vulnerability. —Neil White, author of In the Sanctuary of Outcasts

Cushman has written a new kind of love story, one that speaks to the very real concerns of a generation. In this true story of a daughter’s love for her aging mother within the daily trials of caregiving, we read ourselves, our families, and the ways that our losses shape who we become and how we choose to remember. —Jessica Handler, author of Braving the Fire: A Guide to Writing About Grief and Loss

About the Author 

In addition to Tangles and Plaques: A Mother and Daughter Face Alzheimer’s, Susan Cushman is author of a novel, Cherry Bomb(2017), and editor of two anthologies—A Second Blooming: Becoming the Women We Are Meant to Be(2017) and Southern Writers on Writing(2018). Her essays have been published in numerous journals and anthologies. She is a regular workshop leader and conference speaker. Susan has three grown children, four granddaughters, and fifteen Godchildren in the Orthodox Church of which she is a member. A native of Jackson, Mississippi, she has lived in Memphis since 1988.

Susan’s website: http://susancushman.com/

Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/sjcushman

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sjcushman/

Twitter: http://twitter.com/SusanCushman.

Susan’s blog: http://susancushman.com/author/susan/

Meet Robyn Hollingworth, author of "My Mad Dad"

Reposted with permission by AlzAuthors.com

By Robyn Hollingworth

About ten years ago my life took a turn. I guess you would say it took a turn for the worse, but really, it just changed. I was in my mid-twenties, living in London and working in fashion. My father was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in his early 60s, and within the year, I had moved back to small-town south Wales to help my mum look after him.

His decline was swift, his actions included (at the start) repetition of stories, misplacing items, and accidentally putting on mums cardigan to go to the shops – so far, standard! He had really mellowed and was fairly stoic and philosophical about the illness, often making jokes about his forgetfulness, even though it must have been terrifying for him. Then life took a turn for the "even worse." Mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer and passed away just three months after I moved home. The effect this had on dad was profound and catastrophic. The seismic shift in the family dynamic tipped him right over the edge. By this point, my older brother was also in residence, but still we couldn’t give dad the level of care he needed. One day he mistook me for a burglar and came at me with a knife. It was at this point that we had to seek more help and dad went into a care home.

His decline was mercifully rapid and I say that with my whole heart. There are only so many times you can re-tell your father that your mother isn’t at work or on holiday, that she is dead. There are only so many times you can watch as someone’s heart breaks apart again. So we lied, we let him believe whatever he wished to be true, and I don’t regret that for a single second.

When he passed away in that April, my brother and I were broken, exhausted, emotionally crippled, but relieved. We are not a religious family, but I took solace from thinking that he and mum were together again, somewhere kinder, somewhere brighter.

I didn’t talk much about my experiences at the time. I had attended a local support group a few times, but really, I just kept it all to myself. There wasn’t the social media presence there is nowadays, where you can log on and speak to a whole host of people around the world, sharing opinions, experiences and support. So I kept my little private journal. It was never intended to be read by anyone, but last year I tentatively thought about putting it "out there." The response I have received to My Mad Dad has been overwhelming. Complete strangers send me messages to tell me about their stories and how common a lot of the things I went through are.

Though I felt alone a lot of the time, I don’t feel so alone any more. What I went through, sadly, isn’t unique and it isn’t unusual. So many people in the world right now are caring for a loved one with Alzheimer’s and it's a tough gig! I got through it with humour, trying to see the little glimmer of light in the darkest of times, like Dad telling people to F$$$ off at the most inappropriate of moments, trying to order Chinese food at 8:30 on a Tuesday morning, or thinking it was Christmas when it wasn’t. And that’s okay, each and every one of us has our own coping mechanisms.

Overall, if I were to impart any advice, it would be to talk. It's good to talk. Let people know how you are; you count too. It’s okay to feel frustrated, angry and hurt, but its okay to smile too. There are always reasons to smile.

About the Author 

Robyn Hollingworth is a reformed fashion buyer/merchandiser who has worked for some of the most famous names in luxury design and retail. During her father’s struggle with dementia, she took a sabbatical from work to care for him, during which time she kept an open and frank diary which was published in April, 2018. The book deals with themes of caring, love, loss and totally inappropriate humor. Though new to the literary world, she has plans to write more. Robyn lives in South West London.

www.facebook.com/MyMadDad/

www.twitter.com/MyMadDadStory

www.instagram.com/mymaddadstory/